So I went to see Avatar (which from now I will refer to as Avacrap), and yes the 3d immersion was pretty amazing, but does the storyline and do the characters have to be so completely clichéd? Really, I’m asking. Luckily I was in the movie so I could see it all first hand…
So the movie starts out with a wobbly American accented voice-over by our boy Sam who plays Jake, laying down a few facts, a bit of background. He’s a crippled paraplegic, his identical twin brother is dead, he is quite handsome but just a ‘jarhead grunt’, not smart like his brilliant dead scientist brother.
Jake gets whisked off to CGI-land to fill in for dead brother, yada yada yada. The film really gets to where it’s going with the introduction of the Colonel Quaritch character played by Stephen Lang, who does his big speech about the dangers of CGI-land while Jake nods and grins with some considerable warmth.
Jake and the Colonel strike up a bit of friendship while the Col. does a bit of homo-erotic body building as Jake looks on admiringly. Then Jake heads off to the forest inside a big blue person, gets lost, kills some hyena/doggy things, meets a big blue girl, gets covered in jellyfish which is a sign from Gaia (or whatever she’s called) and is accepted into the Big Blue People’s village in the gigantic tree (even bigger than a redwood).
Jake debriefs with the Col. The Col. starts to get a bit jealous of all the time Jake is spending with the Big Blue People. The Col. gets REALLY jealous when Jake makes love to a big blue girl and this results in a one of the Big Blue People’s special rope light adorned trees being destroyed.
Jake smashes something that is special to the Col. The Col. gets sad mad and insane with jealousy and then the shit really hits the fan. He yanks Jake out of his Big Blue Body and locks him up along with Sigourney Weaver. They escape. The Col. sees them escaping, gets really really really upset, takes it very personally and tries to kill Jake with his handgun while holding his breath against the toxic air.
Jake escapes being penetrated by the Col. weapon, but Sigourney gets shot. The Big Blue People take her to the extra special rope light enhanced big tree. They do some African style dancing, then she gets covered in fibre optics and rope light and dies. Somewhere in there the really super huge big gigantic tree gets blown up and the Big Blue People get really upset.
Jake keeps getting yanked out of his Big Blue Body, but somehow manages to ride a red dragon, becoming a super doope hero to the Big Blue People.
Meanwhile the Col. decides if he can’t have Jake then everything and everyone must die and he sets out to destroy the extra special rope light enhanced tree. Lots of fighting happens. Jake does some special tricks on his red dragon and all the Col’s flying machines are destroyed. The Col’ manages to jump into his robot avatar thing and go hand to hand in combat with Jake.
It looks like he’s going to finally get Jake. He has Jake by the hair. He moves in for a kiss, whoops I mean to slit Jake’s throat with a knife and Jake’s Big Blue Girlfriend kills the Col.
The planet of Pandora is saved, Jake gets to become a Big Blue Person forever. The End.
So in a nutshell, if Jake had let the Colonel have his way with him all that trouble could have been avoided.
I’m off to yoga now. Here’s what I’m wearing…
Top: Moji denim shirt. It will come off in the class
Bottom: Jeggings. So comfy
Accessory 1: Denim Birkies
Accessory 2: Denim yoga mat bag
And here I am how I’ll be for the rest of he day…
Top: Moji getting super sweaty
Bottom: JeansWest also damper than expected
Accessory 1: Denim birkies still on board
Accessory 2: Mavi bag got some mojo too